Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Falling behind.. the quiet resentment

Being off sick is an unfortunate excuse to check out facebook and catch up with friends a little on msn while having my lunch.

It is both fun, and also depressing. Without catching up with school friends, I am perfectly happy in my own world, proud of my small progress from being in bed most of the time to working slowly back to a full time job, and fit enough for my 10km walks.

However, all these little proud moments about how far I have come evaporates whenever I catch up with friends. It is inevitable that they would update me about where they are and what they are doing, telling about their kids and their job. Then, they would ask me where I am, what I do and how many children I have.

The answers are not fun to give, especially when I see how far they have moved on. Sometimes, my answers produced some awkward moments. I have a humble position, while others are in senior positions. I have no kids, and no properties.

I constantly worry about my health, and the fragility of my finances. I have a condition which may worsen at any time, and yet i dont have any decent amount of savings. It is a threat of having nothing to fall back on, if my condition ever worsen again. The threat of being a burden to my family. As much as I wish to have a child, there is the reality that if I have a child now and fall sick again, it will be a major issue. There will be no money to maintain the day to day living expenses, let alone getting help with childcare. I wont want to have any children, unless I am financially able to support them, and not depend on them. I had to support my family since a very young age, spending all my holidays earning, earning and earning for them. Until now, the moment I have a little bit of extra, it goes to them. They have a constant need for more money.

I am lying to myself if I say I have never resented this. The truth is I resent it. I resent that I am not capable of earning more, so that there is something left for myself. I resent that my parents always think that I can magically produce some money.

I resent that my husband take such a laid back attitude about work. I resent it whenever he spends hours watching television or surfing the internet, and not doing something more worthwhile, something that could translate to better jobs opportunities and financial security for us. I totally resent it when I try so hard, despite being so tired all the time, while he sits back and be contented with his lot. He does not have the initiative nor the drive to be successful. I wonder where that has gone. In fact, the moment my health gets better and I could start earning again, he becomes even more laid back. I totally resent it, and I resent it even more because I know he is in a better position to resent my situation. I am a burden to him.

These resentments, although I have never mouthed it or said it to anyone, is deafeningly loud. I resent my lot in life. I always thought good people will come to good end. People who work hard will get to have a better life. And yet, I worked damn hard all my life. What do I have in return? Sometimes, I just wish to hide in a cave and never come out again. It is do depressing.

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