Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine flu is not a problem, until it istoo late.

Reading the swine flu reports and the publics comments makes me wonder, are people not worried? It is now phase 5!

There are some brave people wondering what is the panic about - so many people die of flu every year, anyway. Yeah. You might think differently if you healthy 25 year old son die from it. You may feel different once you see healthy healthcare professionals die from it.

Then there are some "intelligent" people out there who are pretty smug, as they live in developed countries. A few days ago, the went along the line that only Mexicans in Mexico die from swine flu, probably implying that Mexico is less capable of dealing with the flu cases? Then when the toddler dies in Texas, there was a few hours of quietness, before they discovered this child was a Mexican. Then they happily hum along the line that it is still only Mexicans that died of swine flu. Good grief. Have these people not thought of something called proprotions? Not everyone will die of the flu. If it is, then it is not so infectious! Some will recover and a portion will die. So far, the scary part is those who die are young healthy adults, as in SARS. We have not seen deaths in other countries because there are not many people who are infected yet. And so far, those people who were infected still have traceble, obvious risk factor - travel to Mexico, or direct contact to one of the few people who are confirmed cases. As the virus spread within a community, it will be less obvious who are the ones with just a flu and who is having swine flu. That makes detection a lot more challenging, and the spread much more likely.

And the best reassurance comes from people who noted that some people with swine flu just experience the symptoms of a typical flu. Good news? Yes and No. Yes because it means many people may be infected but will recover fully. No, because you will have these people walking around and infecting others who may have a more severe course of illness.

Perhaps it is just human nature. It is so easy to dismiss a problem when it does not happen to you. If you cannot see it or experience it yet, you cannot see how it can be a problem. It is when people experience it themselves, they feel the pain. Hmm sounds familiar. Isnt that a typical response to fatigue CFS sufferers have to endure? How many people will tell you that for goodness sake, everyone is tired. Pain of RA? I had friends competing with me about their level of pain when they sprained an ankle, or had injuries.

Is emphathy such a difficult skill to learn? I hope people see the swine flu outbreak seriously enough. Frankly, if this become a world wide pandemic, make sure that countries like US and UK who had been so "positive" and calm gets their deserved places in history.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Falling behind.. the quiet resentment

Being off sick is an unfortunate excuse to check out facebook and catch up with friends a little on msn while having my lunch.

It is both fun, and also depressing. Without catching up with school friends, I am perfectly happy in my own world, proud of my small progress from being in bed most of the time to working slowly back to a full time job, and fit enough for my 10km walks.

However, all these little proud moments about how far I have come evaporates whenever I catch up with friends. It is inevitable that they would update me about where they are and what they are doing, telling about their kids and their job. Then, they would ask me where I am, what I do and how many children I have.

The answers are not fun to give, especially when I see how far they have moved on. Sometimes, my answers produced some awkward moments. I have a humble position, while others are in senior positions. I have no kids, and no properties.

I constantly worry about my health, and the fragility of my finances. I have a condition which may worsen at any time, and yet i dont have any decent amount of savings. It is a threat of having nothing to fall back on, if my condition ever worsen again. The threat of being a burden to my family. As much as I wish to have a child, there is the reality that if I have a child now and fall sick again, it will be a major issue. There will be no money to maintain the day to day living expenses, let alone getting help with childcare. I wont want to have any children, unless I am financially able to support them, and not depend on them. I had to support my family since a very young age, spending all my holidays earning, earning and earning for them. Until now, the moment I have a little bit of extra, it goes to them. They have a constant need for more money.

I am lying to myself if I say I have never resented this. The truth is I resent it. I resent that I am not capable of earning more, so that there is something left for myself. I resent that my parents always think that I can magically produce some money.

I resent that my husband take such a laid back attitude about work. I resent it whenever he spends hours watching television or surfing the internet, and not doing something more worthwhile, something that could translate to better jobs opportunities and financial security for us. I totally resent it when I try so hard, despite being so tired all the time, while he sits back and be contented with his lot. He does not have the initiative nor the drive to be successful. I wonder where that has gone. In fact, the moment my health gets better and I could start earning again, he becomes even more laid back. I totally resent it, and I resent it even more because I know he is in a better position to resent my situation. I am a burden to him.

These resentments, although I have never mouthed it or said it to anyone, is deafeningly loud. I resent my lot in life. I always thought good people will come to good end. People who work hard will get to have a better life. And yet, I worked damn hard all my life. What do I have in return? Sometimes, I just wish to hide in a cave and never come out again. It is do depressing.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

down with flu

feel like rubbish. Aching all over. Thankfully, RA did not FLARE up

my sister calls it "swine flu".. ie I am the swine. Not funny.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Wow, I am walking so much!

In my valiant attempt to loose weight and increase energy level, i decided to walk more. In fact, I walked a lot. Last week, I walked at least 25 km, and I am just counting those "long distance" walks I did, not those "usual activities" walk. On two days, I walked for 2 hours per day in the evening, covering 10 km each time.

My body is still holding up, but I suspect I was overdoing it a bit. I am so tired by the weekend. I had a nice long massage yesterday, to to get rid of some knots and tackle some of the trigger points which I noticed developing. Although I slept through the whole of today, I am still feeling really tired. This week, I will really have to reduce my walks and rest a lot. I am beginning to see some of the symptoms of my fibro. Aches and fatigue.

This whole episode reminded me of a recommendations for CFS/ME patients to do GETs and CBT and the protests from patients. Stop psychologising everything!!!