Back from back packing!

Yes, I survived the trip, and lived to tell the tale!!

RA patient back packing - woahhhh

Fibromite back packing - this is a small personal victory for me!

I managed to survive with only a 20L back packing for a 10 day trip. My bag weighted about 7 kg, on the days I did not wear my jeans and had damp clothing. Otherwise, it was less than that. Not bad right? Take into account that the places I visited ranged from 25C to 5C! I must tell you that I mastered the art of layering. The art of choosing what clothes to bring, and keeping warm and cozy with a minimal weight of luggage is worth a post itself!

Some days were quite challenging, to be honest. I noticed swellings after a few days of wurst. Red meat spells trouble for me, but at some places, the cheapest, most convenient food (not to mention "safe" ie hot and low chances of contamination!) available is simply wurst or hot dogs, sausages and their cousins. On other occasions, the local food is simply very porky or beefy! This proved to be difficult for me and I ended up eating lots of bread. 

My schedule was planned with discipline. You might argue that that it takes some fun out of backpacking, but I would argue that the challenge makes my trip more fun. 

Any problems? Yes! I had my period. Yucks. Lots of cramps. I felt faint at one point, and so tired that I noticed I fibrofog striked! I simply had to tell my sister that my mind had switched off and she had to read the maps! 

I am fine...

Just a note to say,

I AM FINE.

It has been tough... but I am ok. I braved myself and pushed myself out of my bed to work.
Hanging on.

The goings gets tough.. so the tough cookie gets going.

I am a HAPPY survivor

Yes I am. Yes I have to be.

No matter what fate is written
No matter what shit or dirt is hurled
No matter what people say
No matter what people do
I know life is about choices
And everyone will have a choice
In the worst of situations
You either smile or cry
You cant prevent death
You cant stop the pain
But you can still decide
To smile or to cry

I decide to add another "column". A column "called inspiration". And I got to start this column with my favourite story: The donkey.

Lack of confidence

At job my interview last week, I was able to "psych" myself up. I was feeling really sick, worried about my joints etc, but I was able to "psych" myself up to be positive and upbeat, between coughs and deafening sneezes. I hardly had good sleep because I was sick, but I went in to the interview feeling that I had a chance and have to fight for it. I did not get the job offer, but I knew I put in my best and have nothing to regret.

Yet today, I am not even putting in my best to prepare for the next job interview tomorrow. Sigh. I have been feeling really tired and warm and in pain since my RA flared up again last week. I tried to lose weight so that I would look more decent at the interview. Instead, I triggered a flare. And more than a week "resting" makes me look more flabby than ever. As usual, another 1 kg of weight gain due to lack of activity.

Despite all the difficult things that have happened recently, I have been trying so hard to maintain an up beat mood. I have not been complaining about how horrible I feel, and what severe blow that is to my confidence. Here I am applying for jobs that require you to be "dynamic" and able to meet "tight deadlines", and here I am, hardly able to get out of bed before 10 am. Here I am tired, by 10 pm. Here I am trying to attend interviews, and trying to make myself look the best I could, despite another kg of flab.

But I guess the "balloon" was really deflated by people around me. Totally able bodied people telling me they cannot do this and cannot that. Totally able bodied, intelligent young people telling they have no hope of doing a long list of things. They have been telling me that they have achieved nothing, and can't achieve anything. Things are too difficult. And they regret A-Z. Life is hopeless.

Frankly, I am sick being the cheerleader. I just want to ask them to scram.

Can't they have some mercy on me? Can't they show me some mercy? Why do they need to behave this way now? Why?When I look at them, I told them"if you have no hope, what do I have??" Or perhaps they wanted to compliment me? They wanted to tell me I actually did many of their so called "the impossibles", while I was sick, tired, in pain and sometimes foggy? Life have not been fair to them? Tell me about it.

I am being totally fed up with all the men around me. Damn it. If they can't distinguish between "can't do it" and "won't do it", get out of my way. And let me use the little energy I have to prepare and do my best for tomorrow's interview. I know I am not in a state where I could do well enough to succeed. Ill prepared and all, but I just want to do my best, no matter how "hopeless" it is. So, stop telling me why the things they do are "hopeless". Stop telling me things which make me feel my efforts are even "more hopeless" than yours. Stop telling me that you can't do a good job because you don't LOVE what you do, and although you do not HATE it, you do not ENJOY it very much. I can tell you that I do not ENJOY going to work. I don't ENJOY getting out of bed early in the morning, sore all over the place, and get into that ICY car, or walk 1/2 mile in my swollen feet to the nearest station. I don't ENJOY walking when my feet are swollen, I don't ENJOY driving with painful ankles. I don't ENJOY spending 10 hours a day typing- that makes my fingers and wrist really painful-my neck and shoulders sore and painful even to light touches (that is the fibromyalgia component, FYI.). I don't ENJOY staring at the screen for a long time, cos my eyes are really dry (That is Sjogren's syndrome), I don't ENJOY long presentations too. If I am the speaker, my dry mouth becomes really uncomfortable, and people wonder why I sip water so much (if water is available). As the listener, I would squirm in my seat, because my joints would "frozen" or let out some cracking sounds. And I also don't ENJOY doing the housework, not when I am already dead tired and in pain after a long day at work.

And yet despite all the shit which is showered on to me, I am just like the little donkey. I shake my head, sigh, take a step and move on. Perhaps that is why I am surviving. I am just a little foggy brained donkey now, unlike all these intelligent people around me. They have a lot more brain cells and energy to complain than I do.

Conquering mountains?

It has always been my wish to conquer a mountain.

Last week I thought I could start small, by trekking a national park, and checking out a few waterfalls. Unfortunately, my hubby passed me his cold and i was so lethargic that the trip became a "driving holiday", with me sleeping in the car. I still have a long way from being fatigued to conquering mountains.

Being fibro means clumsiness is part of me. My life was at risk when I repeatedly slipped on my trek to the waterfalls, but I still persisted! I just wanted to do it! That was me, in the mind over matter mode.

Then perhaps the most primitive fight or flight instincts kicked in. I had the most beautiful and dramatic panic attack at the narrowest section of a cliff, and dramatically cling on to tree roots etc to crawl myself back to safely. My legs turned jelly.

You can do it!

I have been doing really well at work, despite doing part-time and facing lots of issues from some idiots who exploit the fact that I work part time, and will call in sick time to time.

This has been a really good week for me, career wise. I get the kind of external recognitions for me work which I thought would take me many more years to achieve. It shows hard, honest work will eventually reap some rewards.

Internally, things can be still crappy, esp from a person or two. I do wonder whether the discrepancy between internal and external recognitions arise from prejudice or biasness from people who could see me unwell so often. I do ask myself, if I am well, will my some of my colleagues play down my achievements in such a cruel way?

But whatever it is, despite all these crap, I know I have done well. I take is as proof that we can still do what "normal" people do, and it is possible to get better. So, dont lose hope! Don't ever lose hope. Bring out all the guts you have to tell yourself that you will have a good, meaningful life, no matter what. Even when you are having so many tender points activated like me now:) I am stressed, but I know one day, i will be able to sing "My way". Yes, I will do it My Way, pains, fatigue or whatever crap. Remember the donkey?