Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Arthritis and fibromyalgia - impact on my life in numbers

It has been 10 years since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and about 11.5 since my RA started.

Impact?

PERSONAL/WORK

  1. Post grad degree finished: 1
  2. Post doc position: 0
  3. Broke up with boy friend: 1
  4. Getting married: 1
  5. Suspension of studies because of RA/Fibro: 1
  6. Number of years without a job: 1-2
  7. Number of years with part time job: 2
  8. Number of years settling for an overqualified job: 5.5
  9. Almost knocked down by car ( fibro fog) : countless - 1 really narrow escape
  10. Lost job/had to quit because of illness : 2 times, 1 of them was not really due to illness, but the illness was a convenient excuse
  11. Considered a fraud - not really ill, but pretending to be ill: countless
  12. Current income vs income if taking projected career path; 30%
MEDICAL STUFF


  1. X -rays: countless
  2. Blood investigations: countless
  3. Bad bruises from taking blood: countless
  4. Physiotherapist: 2
  5. Professor(s) shed a tear after noticing the bruises I had from blood sampling: 1
  6. Phlebotomist started crying because he could not get blood samples from me: 1
  7. I cried because phlebotomist cried, and indulging myself in self pity: 1
  8. Body weight increase: 46kg
  9. NSAIDs: lost count
  10. DMARDS: hydroxychloroquine
  11. Massages: lost count:
  12. % of income spent on massages: 10 % previously, 5% now ( income increased, but number of massages reduced slightly)
  13. $$ spent on doctors and drugs: 25% to 50% in the first few years, negligible now - mostly on ibuprofen, muscle rubs/ibuprofen gels, heat plasters
  14. Massager/massage chair for home use: 2

The most important and painful loss cannot be counted. It is the loss of opportunity to have kids, have job that fully stretch my skills and an active social life. Despite being relatively well now, I have to choose between a full time job and an active social life and kids. There is just not enough energy to have more than 1 thing. Without $$, I cannot afford a kid - I imagine I will need to hire help if I have kids. And no, there was not much social life when we could barely pay bills.

Nevertheless, I know I had beaten many statistics. My next target is to swim 3x a week and  lose the extra fat. This will be no mean feat, as strenuous exercise is one big trigger of a flare!


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

No goodbyes.

Winter was peaceful. Everything is well. 

Just as things seemed to get better, I started to get excruciating pain again this afternoon. Stress. 

Things will get better, but I must persevere. 

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I had this comment for my post about keeping warm while at home.

"I can't believe you. You are very lucky to be able to do what you can. Some of us fibromites as you call us do not have the luxury of not working. I get my self out of bed every weekday and go to work no matter what pain level or fibrofog level. If I didn't work, I wouldn't have a home, healthcare, or food. If you are going to hurt lying around the house in your toasty socks under a lapquilt, why don't you experience the same pain at a job. My job is very taxing for anyone with fibro, I teach full day Kindergarten in public school in a very low economic area.
Get over yourself. The rest of us are just a bad, if not worse."
Can someone pls explain to me what "get over yourself" means, in this context?  I can't quite understand what Martha wanted to say. 

Did she say I whine too much? I am sure I do - whine a lot. Where else can I whine if not on this blog? This is where I do my whining and crying.

While I do admire Martha's strength to work through all fogs and pain, I would not expect it from everyone. I am not sure what people mean by "fogs". The worst period for me was when I crossed roads and almost hit by car, just couldn't remember to turn the stove off, and could not copy down a series of 6-8 numbers (ie bank account) from one page to another. Walk to work? There were times I walked to the nearby store to get a carton of milk but forgot halfway why I was there, and where I was supposed to walk to. 

I dont believe that you CAN work because you NEED to work. I had been there. When you really can't it means you really can't. Insisting in doing so only put yourself in danger, and you may endanger others too. But I do believe, given the right treatment

Thanks for leaving comments in this blog, and I always look forward to receive your comments, especially if it is someone with fibromyalgia, or living with other chronic conditions.  However, some comments do puzzle me, and cause me to read it over and over again - what are they trying to say? Or perhaps should I suspect that they did not really read by blog? 


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Winter 2008 for a fibromite and RA patient

Winter is coming! 

I try my best to sound cheerful about this. In reality, I know that this is going to be a tough winter for most of us. Fuel poverty is going to be a problem for many. Keeping warm. Keeping warm in the face of electricity and gas bill increase. 

As for myself, I am faced with a 50% price hike. If it had cost me$100 per month in winter last year, it will be $150 this year. Factor in the increase in food prices and no increase in income, it will be a tough one. I know I am still fortunate. The economic crisis had hit my family, but one of us is still working now - me. I know this is a pretty unreliable source of income. I just need a bad flare, and that is it!

Ahhh, haven't you heard that opportunities come to those who are prepared for it? Let me rephrase it and say that "Full blown crisis will (hopefully) avoid the well prepared"?

I need to:
  1. secure my income! - ie dun get it flare!
  2. cut my expenses, or at least not let it soar.
  3. get extra income
I need to keep warm, rest enough, and yet not fall sick and have the energy to get extra income. 

Tough, but i have been through worst times! Just look at my 2005 postings!  No reason not to keep my chin up.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Back from back packing!

Yes, I survived the trip, and lived to tell the tale!!

RA patient back packing - woahhhh

Fibromite back packing - this is a small personal victory for me!

I managed to survive with only a 20L back packing for a 10 day trip. My bag weighted about 7 kg, on the days I did not wear my jeans and had damp clothing. Otherwise, it was less than that. Not bad right? Take into account that the places I visited ranged from 25C to 5C! I must tell you that I mastered the art of layering. The art of choosing what clothes to bring, and keeping warm and cozy with a minimal weight of luggage is worth a post itself!

Some days were quite challenging, to be honest. I noticed swellings after a few days of wurst. Red meat spells trouble for me, but at some places, the cheapest, most convenient food (not to mention "safe" ie hot and low chances of contamination!) available is simply wurst or hot dogs, sausages and their cousins. On other occasions, the local food is simply very porky or beefy! This proved to be difficult for me and I ended up eating lots of bread. 

My schedule was planned with discipline. You might argue that that it takes some fun out of backpacking, but I would argue that the challenge makes my trip more fun. 

Any problems? Yes! I had my period. Yucks. Lots of cramps. I felt faint at one point, and so tired that I noticed I fibrofog striked! I simply had to tell my sister that my mind had switched off and she had to read the maps! 

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

New study on alexander technique for back pain - BMJ report

What is already known on this topic
Combined manipulation and physiotherapy-supervised strengthening exercises helps functioning moderately (1-2 activities no longer limited by back pain)
Preliminary evidence suggests that massage and lessons in the Alexander technique might help in the short term

What this study adds

Six sessions of massage, prescription for exercise and nurse counselling, six lessons in the Alexander technique, and 24 lessons helped with back pain and functioning at three months
Lessons in the Alexander technique still had a beneficial effect on pain and functioning after 12 months
Six lessons in the Alexander technique followed by exercise prescription are nearly as effective as 24 lessons
Link:http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/337/aug19_2/a884

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

What to do when you have a fibromyalgia/rheumatoid arthritis flare?

A flare is not fun. No, there is nothing much you could do. You are sore and painful in many places, fatigue, and perhaps even having some brain fogs. Typing, like what I am doing now, may be quite limited too.

For me, a flare days means I move from bed- sleep or trying to sleep, to getting up to make myself some food (important - hunger creates more fatigue and fog, in my experience), doing something to kill the boredom - read, watch television etc and most importantly, my self-healing rituals. I call them rituals, as there are no scientific basis to most of these. This is the list of things I do

  1. Take my medications - NSAIDS. This helps to lessen the pain and swelling.
  2. Rest a lot - sleep.
  3. Keep comfortably warm/cool. Sometimes I feel very hot during flares, and I will try to keep cool.
  4. Take a hot bath/shower. The hot water relieve the stiffness.
  5. Use hot towels - put it at places where there are taut bands/points. See my earlier post for details.
  6. Acupressure and massage. I usually DIY, if my fingers are alright. I also use other objects to help. I find that the acupressure points are remarkably similar to trigger points. Acupressure is Eastern, while trigger point therapy was developed by Western trained doctor. I found this book by Clair and Amber Davies helpful: The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook: Your Self-Treatment for Pain Relief (Trigger Point Therapy Workbook: Your Self-Treatment Guide for Pain Relief). It is less than £10 from Amazon UK, a very good investment.
7. Stretch. This keeps you supple and relieve the stiffness. I normally only do this late morning, after the hot bath, and start with simple moves.
8. Eat well. This can be difficult sometimes- loss of appetite or no energy to prepare food. I eat lots of fruits (get it delivered, or get someone to buy it), or at least drink a lot of fresh fruit juices. I know how difficult this is, especially when the flare is prolonged. Fruits are really heavy and expensive if it is delivered. I also try to make sure I maintain my omega-3 intake- through pills or those tinned mackerels!

(Note...it takes a long time to put this post together. In between, I slept, ate, stretched, and soaked my fingers in hot water. I hope it is of use to others.)

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Still swollen..........

and painful.

Reward? Any rewards for this?

Yes, an excuse to buy shoes. No one would have the hear to tell a women with swollen legs, and feet of changing sizes she had too many pairs of shoes.

It is summer, it is the sales, so pluck up all your energy and get something!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Two days after another gym session

I spent another 45 minutes in the gym 2 days ago.

Now I see "results" of my workout:

Joints: swollen.
Muscles: sore.

Sigh. Sigh. The body is broken but the soul is not. I will have another gym session tonight! Perhaps all I need is just a little sports massage.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I am a HAPPY survivor

Yes I am. Yes I have to be.

No matter what fate is written
No matter what shit or dirt is hurled
No matter what people say
No matter what people do
I know life is about choices
And everyone will have a choice
In the worst of situations
You either smile or cry
You cant prevent death
You cant stop the pain
But you can still decide
To smile or to cry

I decide to add another "column". A column "called inspiration". And I got to start this column with my favourite story: The donkey.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

New York Times Article: Drug Approved. Is disease real?

I saw this article which is upset many fibromyalgia patients, after reading some discussions in other blogs about it.

This is a clear example of irresponsible reporting. I can't believe that we are going "backwards" again, and this article was published in the front page of NYT.

What motivates the publication of articles which questions the "realness" of illnesses? Pharma bashing? It seems so easy for other to downplay the suffering of others. A while ago, Consumerreports.org's video about RLS has cause much unhappiness among RLS patients.







The latest report from NYT is an example of pseudo-objective, pseudo-scientific report. Some journos quote a few "experts" who cite "non-evidence" as evidence that a disease is unreal.

Forgivable? If you are a fibro patient and you have friends/neighbours saying "oh, apparently FMS is not real, it is all in your head. Did you see the article in NYT?", you will want to strangle those people who publish it.


++++++++++++++++

THE NYT article

January 14, 2008

Drug Approved. Is Disease Real?

Fibromyalgia is a real disease. Or so says Pfizer in a new television advertising campaign for Lyrica, the first medicine approved to treat the pain condition, whose very existence is questioned by some doctors.

For patient advocacy groups and doctors who specialize in fibromyalgia, the Lyrica approval is a milestone. They say they hope Lyrica and two other drugs that may be approved this year will legitimize fibromyalgia, just as Prozac brought depression into the mainstream.

But other doctors — including the one who wrote the 1990 paper that defined fibromyalgia but who has since changed his mind — say that the disease does not exist and that Lyrica and the other drugs will be taken by millions of people who do not need them.

As diagnosed, fibromyalgia primarily affects middle-aged women and is characterized by chronic, widespread pain of unknown origin. Many of its sufferers are afflicted by other similarly nebulous conditions, like irritable bowel syndrome.

Because fibromyalgia patients typically do not respond to conventional painkillers like aspirin, drug makers are focusing on medicines like Lyrica that affect the brain and the perception of pain.

Advocacy groups and doctors who treat fibromyalgia estimate that 2 to 4 percent of adult Americans, as many as 10 million people, suffer from the disorder.

Those figures are sharply disputed by those doctors who do not consider fibromyalgia a medically recognizable illness and who say that diagnosing the condition actually worsens suffering by causing patients to obsess over aches that other people simply tolerate. Further, they warn that Lyrica’s side effects, which include severe weight gain, dizziness and edema, are very real, even if fibromyalgia is not.

Despite the controversy, the American College of Rheumatology, the Food and Drug Administration and insurers recognize fibromyalgia as a diagnosable disease. And drug companies are aggressively pursuing fibromyalgia treatments, seeing the potential for a major new market.

Hoping to follow Pfizer’s lead, two other big drug companies, Eli Lilly and Forest Laboratories, have asked the F.D.A. to let them market drugs for fibromyalgia. Approval for both is likely later this year, analysts say.

Worldwide sales of Lyrica, which is also used to treat diabetic nerve pain and seizures and which received F.D.A. approval in June for fibromyalgia, reached $1.8 billion in 2007, up 50 percent from 2006. Analysts predict sales will rise an additional 30 percent this year, helped by consumer advertising.

In November, Pfizer began a television ad campaign for Lyrica that features a middle-aged woman who appears to be reading from her diary. “Today I struggled with my fibromyalgia; I had pain all over,” she says, before turning to the camera and adding, “Fibromyalgia is a real, widespread pain condition.”

Doctors who specialize in treating fibromyalgia say that the disorder is undertreated and that its sufferers have been stigmatized as chronic complainers. The new drugs will encourage doctors to treat fibromyalgia patients, said Dr. Dan Clauw, a professor of medicine at the University of Michigan who has consulted with Pfizer, Lilly and Forest.

“What’s going to happen with fibromyalgia is going to be the exact thing that happened to depression with Prozac,” Dr. Clauw said. “These are legitimate problems that need treatments.”

Dr. Clauw said that brain scans of people who have fibromyalgia reveal differences in the way they process pain, although the doctors acknowledge that they cannot determine who will report having fibromyalgia by looking at a scan.

Lynne Matallana, president of the National Fibromyalgia Association, a patients’ advocacy group that receives some of its financing from drug companies, said the new drugs would help people accept the existence of fibromyalgia. “The day that the F.D.A. approved a drug and we had a public service announcement, my pain became real to people,” Ms. Matallana said.

Ms. Matallana said she had suffered from fibromyalgia since 1993. At one point, the pain kept her bedridden for two years, she said. Today she still has pain, but a mix of drug and nondrug treatments — as well as support from her family and her desire to run the National Fibromyalgia Association — has enabled her to improve her health, she said. She declined to say whether she takes Lyrica.

“I just got to a point where I felt, I have pain but I’m going to have to figure out how to live with it,” she said. “I absolutely still have fibromyalgia.”

But doctors who are skeptical of fibromyalgia say vague complaints of chronic pain do not add up to a disease. No biological tests exist to diagnose fibromyalgia, and the condition cannot be linked to any environmental or biological causes.

The diagnosis of fibromyalgia itself worsens the condition by encouraging people to think of themselves as sick and catalog their pain, said Dr. Nortin Hadler, a rheumatologist and professor of medicine at the University of North Carolina who has written extensively about fibromyalgia.

“These people live under a cloud,” he said. “And the more they seem to be around the medical establishment, the sicker they get.”

Dr. Frederick Wolfe, the director of the National Databank for Rheumatic Diseases and the lead author of the 1990 paper that first defined the diagnostic guidelines for fibromyalgia, says he has become cynical and discouraged about the diagnosis. He now considers the condition a physical response to stress, depression, and economic and social anxiety.

“Some of us in those days thought that we had actually identified a disease, which this clearly is not,” Dr. Wolfe said. “To make people ill, to give them an illness, was the wrong thing.”

In general, fibromyalgia patients complain not just of chronic pain but of many other symptoms, Dr. Wolfe said. A survey of 2,500 fibromyalgia patients published in 2007 by the National Fibromyalgia Association indicated that 63 percent reported suffering from back pain, 40 percent from chronic fatigue syndrome, and 30 percent from ringing in the ears, among other conditions. Many also reported that fibromyalgia interfered with their daily lives, with activities like walking or climbing stairs.

Most people “manage to get through life with some vicissitudes, but we adapt,” said Dr. George Ehrlich, a rheumatologist and an adjunct professor at the University of Pennsylvania. “People with fibromyalgia do not adapt.”

Both sides agree that people who are identified as having fibromyalgia do not get much relief from traditional pain medicines, whether anti-inflammatory drugs like ibuprofen — sold as Advil, among other brands — or prescription opiates like Vicodin. So drug companies have sought other ways to reduce pain.

Pfizer’s Lyrica, known generically as pregabalin, binds to receptors in the brain and spinal cord and seems to reduce activity in the central nervous system.

Exactly why and how Lyrica reduces pain is unclear. In clinical trials, patients taking the drug reported that their pain — whether from fibromyalgia, shingles or diabetic nerve damage — fell on average about 2 points on a 10-point scale, compared with 1 point for patients taking a placebo. About 30 percent of patients said their pain fell by at least half, compared with 15 percent taking placebos.

The F.D.A. reviewers who initially examined Pfizer’s application for Lyrica in 2004 for diabetic nerve pain found those results unimpressive, especially in comparison to Lyrica’s side effects. The reviewers recommended against approving the drug, citing its side effects.

In many patients, Lyrica causes weight gain and edema, or swelling, as well as dizziness and sleepiness. In 12-week trials, 9 percent of patients saw their weight rise more than 7 percent, and the weight gain appeared to continue over time. The potential for weight gain is a special concern because many fibromyalgia patients are already overweight: the average fibromyalgia patient in the 2007 survey reported weighing 180 pounds and standing 5 feet 4 inches.

But senior F.D.A. officials overruled the initial reviewers, noting that severe pain can be incapacitating. “While pregabalin does present a number of concerns related to its potential for toxicity, the overall risk-to-benefit ratio supports the approval of this product,” Dr. Bob Rappaport, the director of the F.D.A. division reviewing the drug, wrote in June 2004.

Pfizer began selling Lyrica in the United States in 2005. The next year the company asked for F.D.A. approval to market the drug as a fibromyalgia treatment. The F.D.A. granted that request in June 2007.

Pfizer has steadily ramped up consumer advertising of Lyrica. During the first nine months of 2007, it spent $46 million on ads, compared with $33 million in 2006, according to TNS Media Intelligence.

Dr. Steve Romano, a psychiatrist and a Pfizer vice president who oversees Lyrica, says the company expects that Lyrica will be prescribed for fibromyalgia both by specialists like neurologists and by primary care doctors. As doctors see that the drug helps control pain, they will be more willing to use it, he said.

“When you help physicians to recognize the condition and you give them treatments that are well tolerated, you overcome their reluctance,” he said.

Both the Lilly and Forest drugs being proposed for fibromyalgia were originally developed as antidepressants, and both work by increasing levels of serotonin and norepinephrine, brain transmitters that affect mood. The Lilly drug, Cymbalta, is already available in the United States, while the Forest drug, milnacipran, is sold in many countries, though not the United States.

Dr. Amy Chappell, a medical fellow at Lilly, said that even though Cymbalta is an antidepressant, its effects on fibromyalgia pain are independent of its antidepressant effects. In clinical trials, she said, even fibromyalgia patients who are not depressed report relief from their pain on Cymbalta.

The overall efficacy of Cymbalta and milnacipran is similar to that of Lyrica. Analysts and the companies expect that the drugs will probably be used together.

“There’s definitely room for several drugs,” Dr. Chappell said.

But physicians who are opposed to the fibromyalgia diagnosis say the new drugs will probably do little for patients. Over time, fibromyalgia patients tend to cycle among many different painkillers, sleep medicines and antidepressants, using each for a while until its benefit fades, Dr. Wolfe said.

“The fundamental problem is that the improvement that you see, which is not really great in clinical trials, is not maintained,” Dr. Wolfe said.

Still, Dr. Wolfe expects the drugs will be widely used. The companies, he said, are “going to make a fortune.”

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Life's little achievements.. like baking a cake..

I find "little achievements" in baking. Still out of job, and waiting for responses from a few potentials, life is suddenly "quiet" again.

It is almost a decade ago since RA strike me. It is not the pain which is a pain, it is the fact that it takes a way my energy. And even on days I feel totally energetic, I am still at its' mercy. If I " overdo" things, I get a flare.Full stop. So, energy is a precious commodity which needs to be strictly rationed. And oh, have I forgotten about the fibromyalgia??

Having been active person and a "high achiever" all my life, I find the lack of energy and and all those problems a had really depressive. Gatherings and seasons like Christmas is not easy for me. These are the times I am forced to look at what my my close friends are up to. While I am always so happy to hear their achievements and so proud of my friends= gals who kick asses, sometimes it is quite difficult not to "notice" the GAP! These people are now directors, managers, specialist doctors, assistant professors, consultants etc etc and some juggle a successful careers with kids. They bought swanky houses, drive nice cars, fly around to do business etc.At those times my RA and fibro cause trouble, I can only sit and watch life goes by. Is it a wonder that chronic illness patients like us need to fight depression at all times? Ok.. got to stop here.. this is negative!

Anyway, now that I am a "veteran" in living with RA and fibro, I learn to create my own little achievements- yes, daily achievements! Hmmm.. like baking muffins. I am pleased to announce that I have now progressed to cakes! I should be thankful, as just over 1-2 years ago, I could only do muffins (since they only need to to "mix" dry and wet ingredients together). Now I am onto cakes, which need much more energy!

Today I baked a really yummy blueberry cake! Big deal, yeah? Yes, it is big deal. It is a big deal for someone like me. It is a big deal for people like us. It is a big deal, as it is a way for me cope with my illness, to ensure that I feel that I am still learning something new everyday, I am still "achieving" something daily. It is a big deal, as I did so many things to improve my health, to get myself from a state of "barely having the energy to make muffins" to not being worried at I might fall asleep from fatigue while the cake is baking. These are no tiny feats! Ask any CFS/Fibromyalgia patients! It is big deal, as without these little achievements, it is too easy to fall prey to Depression.

Here are the recipes for the blueberry cakes I made. I have a good day cake and a bad day cake. Go on, try it!
(Try to do the good day recipe when your hands/wrist are fine) No worries about the washing. They are so good that either the dog will lick things clean or the significant half/kids will be willing to wash up.




Monday, January 14, 2008

Working with Rheumatoid Arthritis...know your Rights

...and your limitations.

After taking a couple of weeks off, I am now ready to go into my job search again. I have spent these few weeks reflecting on what went wrong, and what could be done better. It is very very sad but true- my RA had formed a big component of my work related problems. It is not all negative though. At times, I feel that I can understand and deal with issues better because of what I learned from RA, fibros etc.

However, it is undeniable, that my RA and fibro was a big set back in many ways, and may continue to be, unless I could overcome them.
  1. My boss see me as "chained"- not able to find another job easily as I only wanted to work part-time because of my health.
  2. I am seen as "unreliable", because of my RA flares. Although I only had 2 major flares, which would stop me from working even if I wanted, that was enough.
  3. Work arrangements- some colleagues resent my "special treatment", and wanted the same "privileges" extended to them.
Unfortunately, I had not been familiar with the rules and regulation, and did not know what were within my rights. But so what even if I was?

Although there were disability protection acts etc, these are really unclear. What does "reasonable adjustments" mean? That was really entirely up to the employers to decide. The are plenty loopholes the laws are worth another entry!

I find the Employment section of NRAS very helpful and informative.

The problems that I
(and many other RA patients!) faced at work is not something which I could resolve entirely on my own, despite bring out the whole lot of coping skills I have and getting full support from my family.

Communicating clearly about your condition with your colleagues and boss helps a lot (but may backfire sometimes). Making concessions (like getting low pay), and putting in extra hours to ensure quality work helps too (although you may see this as some sort of discrimination/exploitation!!).

However, improving the perception and understanding of other people about RA needs more than these individual efforts! It is all too easy for people to attribute your limitations to your lack of personal discipline rather than RA. How often have you heard " I am tired TOO", when you say you are fatigued? There is also an element of unpredictability and invisibility about RA's up and downs, which other could interpret as "inconsistent", and "lack of evidence". Ie, they may suspect that you are really waking up late when you say you have bad stiffness and need to come in 1-2 hours later.

Improving the work situation of patients with RA it is something that more formal protection in terms of regulations is needed. As RA patients, we need to create the awareness of these issues not only for our own benefit, but for all RA patients.

I not only want a job. I want to be able to work optimally, so that I can do my best! I want the chance to do what I can do based on my skills, education and experience. All I need is some minor modifications to get there. Can these be done?

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Beautiful soul

I am beautiful... I believe...

The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper.

-- Aristotle
.....for I can still feel happy, laugh, and hold my head high despite one blow after another. Not a fan of boxing/wrestling, but I understand that you are not lost no matter now many blows you received, as long as you can stand up again.

Here am I, looking forward to the daffodils when everyone is thinking "snow" and "cold". I could bet that there will be no snow today-my joints told me so.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

New Year resolution

Everyone asked me if I have new year resolutions.

Nope!

Was it surprising? I gave up doing these years ago. You can make a resolution anytime, and not procrastinate till the new year.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Spring time energy crisis.

Life seems to be getting back to near "normality"-i.e. I could juggle a few things at a time. I have been very busy at work, revising for an exam and enjoying the spring time activities!

However, I go get tired very easily. I sleep in the car journeys when we go out. I slept & snored(!!!) at the end of my yoga classes, and tries hard to keep awake beyond 11pm. Last week, I had to go for a deep tissue massage to ease the points which have been slowly developing as my body is finding it taxing to handle so much. The RA flared, and the tender points developed so quickly that it became really a pain!

I have taken a few days of study leave, but have been sleeping a lot.

All these reminds me to slow down. Life is getting back quite normal, but my energy level is still playing catch up.

Monday, March 26, 2007

trying to forget

Sometimes, I try to forget that I have RA, I have fibro. Sometimes, for a couple of days in a stretch, or even a week or two, I can "forget" about these things-when I am extremely busy, and barely have extra energy to think about my health, to get bothered about the stiff hands in the morning, the achy ankle, the wobbly knees. I try to live with these discomfort, without really wanting to "notice" them. And sometimes I succeed, in trying to forget.

Almost two weeks whizzed by without me noticing. I sometimes surprise myself about how short my memory is getting, esp when it is about my RA. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism? I block off memories of days in bed?

No, it has not been all quiet in the past two weeks. I had swapped a day at work, because my bones were achy all over, I was too weak to "get up and go" in the morning. My bones have been actively fore-casting the weather. A day or two before they announced the cold snap was coming, I was already in bed, aching and cursing. When the cold snap came, I always felt hot and found the heating required by my hubby to me too much! Will they employ me as the weather woman?

And just now, I almost drowned. OK, that is an exaggeration. I had many mouthfuls of water and someone got to give me a hand until I find my footing. It was really scary. Really, really scary.

In movies, you always see people shout when they drown or struggle in the water. In reality, I don't think people always do. I was gasping for air, trying to "jump" up by pushing my feet against the floor the moment I sink. I was fighting for air. That is they only thinh I had on my mind. AIR.

The reason for this misadventure? One tiny little finger. One small joint-5th proximal metacarpal. That was the only painful joint when I swam, and yet, was only when I was in the water that did I realised that he other hand which was alright was also weak. My legs were useless. I could not exert much strength.

How do I try to forget? Not sure. I think I don't have to try. I will forget soon. This is not the first time I almost drowned.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Fibromyalgia's "brain fogs"; the most cripling, disabling part........

How do I cope with fibro-fogs?

Fibro-fog is the second most crippling aspect in my illness. The champion crippler is of course...fatigue!!

Fibro fog is the most "invisible" aspect in the "illness" I have. No one can see and notice it, let alone understand it. It is the thing that force me to retreat into a very lonely world.

Before fibromyalgia, I had been known as careless or forgetful in my daily life, due to my happy go lucky nature. I did not pay attention to small things, and can't be bothered to double-check things. However, my attitude towards work had always been different - the playful side of me gets really serious. Anyway, as a whole, my attitude to life is the cup was always half-full, and a pitcher was coming to top it up.

I guess my carelessness history adds to my pain now. My husband still can't comprehend what is a fog vs plain carelessness. Maybe, he just tries to avoid facing the facts. This strains our relationship, and pushed me over the brink to depression sometimes.

Other than straining my relationship, it is also taking away my identity: who I am. Just a couple of months ago, a friend told me he is keen to meet my husband- the man who married the smartest girl in class. I laughed! And I almost cried!

I have been academically inclined all my life. Ask any of my friends to describe me, and you can't escape from something related to "smart" or "intelligent".

But look at me now!!!

I can't even copy out my bank account number correctly onto the back of a "quick cheque deposit" envelope within 2 attempts.

I often lose my way when I am in an unfamiliar area, even if I had been there before. This was not something that could have happened. I had a very good sense of direction since I was a kid. I would not even lose my way in a big foreign city, and yet yesterday, I was lost on the way to work. I almost broke down on the streets!

How distressing is this? You imagine. You just imagine.

Fibro-fog is my the biggest enemy. I am not too sure if I will ever lose this fibro-fog thing, but I know I have to cope with it. I have to devise ways to cope with this invisible enemy. I hope to make this fog thingy just another "inconvenience" of life, akin to hailstorms and foggy misty mornings.

This would only be possible if I could recognise the warning signs of a heavy fog day coming on (yeah, developing my own "weather forecasts" system), and having effective ways to deal with it.

Fog sucks. But after all it is just a fog!!!

Related posts:

Fibromyalgia's Fibrofogs: How does one cope with it?