Spring cleaning this blog

When this blog was started in one bleak winter morning in 2005, I was quite ill with arthritis and fibromyalgia.  Not only was I too ill to work or finish my degree, I had also decided to move with my husband to a totally new city. I was far from my family, and friends.

This blog was really important for my healing, and while writing it, I hoped that it may some day offer some solace or help to another person with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. However, because of the extreme fatigue and pains I had, posts were often hastily posted. Many of them were just rants of the day, and of benefit to no one but myself.

Almost 7 years later, and with a vastly improved health, I am back to edit this blog.

For the readers, I hope to make this blog

• easy to navigate and find information - Make navigation and retrieval of information possible for people with rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia or CFS.  I know what it means to deal with fatigue.
• up to date -  In these 7 years, many things we know about the condition have changed
• a source of support - I will be honest in the posts about the difficulties (and joys) I had, but do so in a way to maintain my privacy

For myself, I try to see if I can monetise it in anyway.  Bouts of flares had at one time made full time occupation seemed like a dream at times. I have no illusion about the the security of counting on a 9 to 5 job as my income. It had always been my dream to have a steady source of income, built in my good days.  When I chance upon this blog about using the internet as a source of smart passive income, it felt like a timely reminder of my dream.

Wish me luck in achieving my dream, while helping others along the way.

Being the "weird woman" on the bus

This article was first written in winter, early 2009, but I was so tired, that I had not realized that I did not press the "publish" button then. There were lots of problems with the writing, and I can't resist editing the more horrible ones. Other than that, it is what it was. I am so glad that I did not get into trouble with the teenager.

p/s: I took the bus, because it was less crowded, and I get less flu/cold than in crowded trains. Those bus journeys were long...

"A few days ago, I was mildly verbally abused (if there is such a thing) by a teenager. You know, one of those angry teenagers. She was not exactly "bad", to be honest, and I was partly to be blamed.

I was on the way home from work. It was one of those days where I struggled to get into work because of morning stiffness, and watched the clock. I was so tired, than I sat totally "zoned out" on the bus.  

My hands felt to stiff and tired from holding on to the coat and bag and keeping it on my lab. If you don't have rheumatoid arthritis, you may not understand this part. If you have, you know the pain of holding something in place for about one hour. If someone sits next to me on a stiff day and I have to sit still and hold my bag,  I can feel so stiff and sore that I felt that i need to massage my elbow, fingers and shoulders when I get home sometimes.  So, I sat there "lazily" and kept the coat in place with the weight of my arm. It was pretty "loose" - partly occupied the empty seat next to me. The bus was about half full and there were a quite a few empty seats around me. 

I was staring blankly out of the window when I suddenly heard a pretty loud "mumbling".  I had no idea what was said, but I turned away from the window and noticed this girl staring at me. I mind was empty, but I guessed she probably wanted to sit next to me, and so took my coat and cleared the seat for her.  I did not say anything to her or smiled - I was just too tired and focused on not falling asleep. The bus was going through a rough part of town, and it was not the place to fall asleep.

She sat down next to me, and then started talking loudly to her friend seated across the aisle about the "bitch". It took me a while to realise she was referring to me and how rude I was, but I was just too tired to respond. When passengers seated behind us got up, the girls moved there. This girl then started to hurl things they picked up from their seat to the seat next to me. In my fatigued state, it took a while before I register  what was going on.

"This newspaper is for you, and of you can have this water too.....etc etc." I was a little shocked to see the dirty newspaper, plastic water bottles etc flying my way, but was simply too tired to have a response and carried on looking out of the window. I was just hoping she would stop. Fatigue is the correct word, actually. No one gets too tired that they become unresponsive and felt no anger or have no reaction despite what was going on. 

Fortunately, her friend told her to stop. "I think that is quite enough, you are beginning to look like a bully".

 "This bitch was rude - she deserves it  etc..$%$£^%5(...because I am black.... "

"Don't you think she looks tired? May be she just had a bad day, you never know. Why take it personally?"

Who says we only have insensible youth in the society? When I had a bit of rest and had the energy to think again that night, I was so grateful that this sensible girl stopped what was going on. She probably saved me not just from further troubles that evening, but also kept my confidence intact. At that time, I it was not long before I held a challenging full time job again.

Arthritis and fibromyalgia - impact on my life in numbers

It has been 10 years since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and about 11.5 since my RA started.

Impact?

PERSONAL/WORK

1. Post grad degree finished: 1
2. Post doc position: 0
3. Broke up with boy friend: 1
4. Getting married: 1
5. Suspension of studies because of RA/Fibro: 1
6. Number of years without a job: 1-2
7. Number of years with part time job: 2
8. Number of years settling for an overqualified job: 5.5
9. Almost knocked down by car ( fibro fog) : countless - 1 really narrow escape
10. Lost job/had to quit because of illness : 2 times, 1 of them was not really due to illness, but the illness was a convenient excuse
11. Considered a fraud - not really ill, but pretending to be ill: countless
12. Current income vs income if taking projected career path; 30%

MEDICAL STUFF

1. X -rays: countless
2. Blood investigations: countless
3. Bad bruises from taking blood: countless
4. Physiotherapist: 2
5. Professor(s) shed a tear after noticing the bruises I had from blood sampling: 1
6. Phlebotomist started crying because he could not get blood samples from me: 1
7. I cried because phlebotomist cried, and indulging myself in self pity: 1
8. Body weight increase: 46kg
9. NSAIDs: lost count
10. DMARDS: hydroxychloroquine
11. Massages: lost count:
12. % of income spent on massages: 10 % previously, 5% now ( income increased, but number of massages reduced slightly)
13. $$ spent on doctors and drugs: 25% to 50% in the first few years, negligible now - mostly on ibuprofen, muscle rubs/ibuprofen gels, heat plasters
14. Massager/massage chair for home use: 2

The most important and painful loss cannot be counted. It is the loss of opportunity to have kids, have job that fully stretch my skills and an active social life. Despite being relatively well now, I have to choose between a full time job and an active social life and kids. There is just not enough energy to have more than 1 thing. Without $$, I cannot afford a kid - I imagine I will need to hire help if I have kids. And no, there was not much social life when we could barely pay bills.

Nevertheless, I know I had beaten many statistics. My next target is to swim 3x a week and  lose the extra fat. This will be no mean feat, as strenuous exercise is one big trigger of a flare!

Those were the days - being told to "get a life" was "oh so common"

I am down with a cold today, and have a little "fogginess". This blog had been "abandoned" for a while - it has been very painful to revisit the difficult times, and be totally surprised not only by what I had written, but how the posts were written. I have been shocked so many times by the grammar, spelling errors and places where I seemed to have skipped words in a sentence - all due to my "fibrofogs".  I revisited the posts today, as a little reminder of how good things are, and what strategies I should use to cope with it, just in case the fog lingers.  


One of my posts surprised me with its "feisty- ness" :).  It was my response to a well meaning comment to my post about coping with fibrofogs - someone basically told me it is "all in the mind" and "get a life". Boy, I was strangely eloquent despite all the grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and some strange sentence structures!

I really appreciate the long comments...showed that someone had cared enough to say something with the intention of helping me, helping me to clear those fogs.
However, I must disagree with some of the comments, and clear the misconceptions about fibrofog.
Now, it is not all in your mind (I wish it was). Positive thoughts help you to cope, and is necessary to keep you same, but it will not clear those fogs. 
Style my lifestyle?? I am no sit at home moaning about my life kind of person! Of course, you might think so, looking at the amount of posts I have done in certain periods! Those were the days that even when I was totally "dead", and had to stay at home, I still drag myself out of bed, to write, to document my life, to communicate! Yes, it is true. There were many times I do succumb to depression, but I always proactively try to identify it early, do what I can to avoid it and get out of it! BTW, depression is not something that you could just snap out of it! 
Do you know how many times I had to "proof read" a post, and spell check sometimes?? Any idea? Any idea what it is like to write half way, and then forgot what you were writing? No offense to others with the condition, but I have no learning disability! I am not boasting here, but just to let you know what it is like---I have held many scholarships for my academic achievements, and yet...
This is a medical condition, which affects you physically and mentally, regardless of who you are, what you have been (or are) doing, or how optimistic, purposeful your life have been! You get what I mean??
"When did you last visit a cemetery, a youth organization and volunteer to help, offer to help meals-on-wheels or any number of organizations and venues where your 'ailments' would be but imaginary vis-a-vis those of the ones you serve!"
Volunteer? Gosh, I have been an active volunteer for years!! Old folks home, charity shop, orphanage! Does that stop me from having a fog?? Does that stop me from having fibromyalgia??
If my thoughts or rather my will, is not stronger than steel, I would have collapse long long time ago!!!

Winter preparation 2012

Winters are different if you have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia.

There are a list of things to do:

HEALTH
Apart from the cold and bad weather which can make morning stiffness more uncomfortable, I also try to prevent the winter infections such as cold and flu. For some people ( including me), a bad infection where your immune system works like crazy could trigger a flare. This is my checklist for health:

1. Flu jabs - This needs to be taken every year, and ideally as soon as it is available in September/October. It takes a few weeks before the jab fully work. I usually take mine in pharmacies. 
2. Get ready antiseptic alcohol hand gel - very important to prevent catching cold/flu when going out and taking public transport
3. Disinfectant sprays for the home/office - My favourite is  "Neutraair" from Dettol for home. It is a "2 in 1 "-  eliminating odours and also killing bacteria at the same time
4. Omega 3 supplements and multivitamins
5. Medicine cupboard - antiviral for flu, cough and cold medicines, enough supplies of pain killers and medicines for RA/fibromyalgia. 
6. Stock up on heat plasters/muscle rubs which feels warm instead of cool

KEEPING WARM

1. Central heating - turn on the heating while it is still warm for a couple of hours to ensure everything is ok.
2. Double check your utility tariffs - you don't want to be caught with surprise increases
3. Additional quick heating available for mornings that are exceptionally cold (My heater fan bought in 2009 - it is one of the best investments I have ever made!)
4. Supply of stockings, thermals, gloves!
5. Supply of small towels and a working microwave for my hot towel compress ( sooth stiff joints)

PREPARING FOR "BAD WEATHER DAYS"

This is for "hunkering" down - days when you are unwell and don't want to get out, or the when the weather is really bad and you don't want to slip and fall. 

1. Stock up food  for bad weather days. I have a list of food that I always have in my fridge and cupboards in case I get a flare, and also have my list of "flare food". I make sure these are enough!
2. Working from home arrangements in place
3. Check other "supplies" e.g. detergents etc
4. If you have a car, it is also time to make sure that it is in good order and have your deicer etc ready

OTHER THINGS TO MAKE WINTER ENJOYABLE

These are the additional steps I take to make the winter a cozy one.

1. Coat/winter wear in good condition - check buttons, zips etc are in good condition.  I don't want to mend clothes in a dark winter night, especially if I have a flare
2. Shoes/Boots have good grips/soles in good conditions
3. Candles and lavender essential oils to make the home a cozy one
4. BISCUITS , instant hot chocolate   :)
5. Get ready some books and other "indoor projects". 

Does anyone out there have other tips?

Exercise helps for CFS? Check the definition

There is a very good article in New York Times, explaining the findings of a study published last month in The Lancet, which reported that exercise and cognitive-behavioral therapy could help people with the illness.  That study is already quite well known, and used as a basis to push many CFS and fibromyalgia patients to exercise.  My doctor had also suggested me to exercise, and to "be positive".  Being treated as "depressed" when you need serious medical attention doesn't help - it drives you to the depth of depression even if you were not. 


I thought it is important to highlight the limitations of that Lancet study to other fibromyalgia patients. Here is an extract from the NYT article which may help you to explain to your doctor why pushing you to exercise might not be the right thing to do:

The British scientists who conducted the research identified study participants based largely on a single symptom: disabling and unexplained fatigue lasting at least six months. But many researchers, especially in the United States, say that definition takes in many patients whose real illness is not the syndrome but depression — which can often be eased with psychotherapy and exercise.

I tried to push myself to exercise when I was not ready for it, and on every occasion, that resulted in a bad "relapse" - miserable days in bed, symptoms all flare up.  


Today, I am relatively well . Sometime ago, I had given up listening to doctors who did not listen to me, and listened to my own body, and started my own "programme".  That was the start to better days. 

Still alive and kicking!

I am still alive an kicking! In fact, I am better than ever.

RA and fibromyalgia still rears its head often, and can cause pain and problems, but most of the time, I am pretty alright. My mantra is simply

God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I guess, my "prayer" is mostly answered.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and if like me, you have RA and fibromyalgia, dont ever give up.  Grab every opportunity you have to get better, rest well and let your body recover whenever it needs that break. Yes, I still do get those fogs, pain and  fatigues from my fabulous fibro and RA from time to time, but I am much better positioned to deal with them now. Good luck fibromites.

My weather predicting bones...

agrees with the weather prediction man.

I am aching all over!!

Saturday day weather

• Heavy Rain
• Max: 15°C 59°F
• Sunrise: 07:29

Sunday day weather

• Heavy Rain
• Max: 12°C 54°F
• Sunrise: 07:31

Monday day weather

• Grey Cloud
• Max: 14°C 57°F
• Sunrise: 07:32

Tuesday day weather

• White Cloud
• Max: 16°C 61°F
• Sunrise: 07:34

Swine flu or H1N1 virus - does it affect people with arthritis more?

I have been keeping an eye about the latest developments of swine flu and checking the websites. The information on the Arthritis Care website is rather generic, I would say, compared to the information in Arthritis Foundation website which provided H1N1 information that is more specific to arthritis patients.

 Many of us would probably be on some immunosupressants which puts us on an increased risk for developing complications, and I hope these patients get the extra attention and immunisation required. 

Fortunately, I do not require any immunosuppressants for my RA. However, I am no stranger to the impact of infections on my symptoms. I have this joke that the H1N1 will not kill me, but the flare triggered for my RA would probably do it. Two months ago, ie end of August, I had a simple cold. Since then, I have been having morning stiffness and other fibromyalgia like symptoms on and off. I have been feeling very tired for these past two months and only begin to feel much better in the past week or so. That was just a simple cold which lingered for a while because I was so tired then. Imagine what a full blown flu would do! I have plenty of experience and know the effect all too well and really dread that.

What can I do not? I got myself - paid or it- the seasonal flu jab as soon as it was available, and I take extreme care of hygiene, especially hand hygiene to reduce the risk of flu transmission. I also avoided peak hours in packed trains and had opted for the buses (always looking out for those precious seats!) even though that meant longer journey times for me. I also keep warm! Hopefully the flu and cold viruses will have mercy and spare me!

Cheap heater fans are perhaps not that great - "to invest" in better ones

The cheap heater fan I bought in the high street store for next to nothing was really noisy. I was really afraid that it would explode or something! In the end, I decided to send it back to the shop.

Since the heater fan was really a good idea (practical and economical heating!), I did not intend to give it up. I decided to invest in something better. Surprise, surprise.. Amazon and Ebay still produced the cheapest options when I searched online. However, I was a little sceptical about getting a second hand or refurnished item. You never know with these things.

At the end, I settled on this little beauty on the left (after careful consideration of the purse factor).... 

I had seen the raves on this model in a few website. I wanted one with a thermostat which have a safety net and will auto shut off (really important if you have fatigue or fibro!!!). 
The model on the right was really tempting- it not only allows you to preset the temperature you want, it also comes with a remote control - imagine how useful this is in a chilly morning: stay in your bed, turn it on, and get warm! There is also a Dimplex model which I think is very good value for money, but I am not too sure about its shape/size: I am not too keen to drag something big around with these creaky bones. It will be great for those people who can buy one for each room/really macho & muscular.
With all these homework done on keeping warm, I am keeping fingers crossed that it will be all warm and cosy without a utility bill that kills me by the end of the month. I want to KEEP WARM, not becoming BROKE!
18/04/12 update: 3 winters later, our Delonghi fan heater is still going strong, and is probably the most cost-effective electrical appliance we every bought. 

Fan heater - it is actually economical!

I got a little fan heater :) It is just a tiny gadget and it consumes 2.4kW. 





Now that the weather is not that cold yet, I just need to turn it on for about 5 minutes every morning when I wake up and change to get to work. It is another 5 minutes when I get home so that it is all warm and toasty when I change. Because it is portable, and I literally "POINT n BLOW" to warm up a section at home. 

And I learned a wonderful trick too.Nothing great, just basic science:

Warm air goes up, and duvets trap heat pretty well.

I put the heater quite near by bed. Just before going to bed, I pointed the heater to the direction of my bed, turned it on, and lifted the duvet up. In a few minutes, a nice warm of layer air would be trapped trapped between the duvet and my bed. My duvet is 13.5 tog, and that was usually enough to keep me nice and warm. In late autumn and early spring, that was what I need. 

The weather is already quite chilly, but not really cold yet. By this time, I usually would have turned on my central heating. However, I found that all I need was about  20 minutes of that fan. Is that economical?
Lets check the cost!


 2.4 x (20/60)hour x unit price =0.8 x cost/unit of electricity for one day of heating.


The cost of day time electricity for my tariff was 17.5 pence/unit.


Therefore, if I use the fan for 20 minutes a day, the cost is 0.8 x17.5 p =14pence per day.
In one month, it would cost me around £3.50.


The cost would go up to £5.20 per month if I use it for 30 minutes per day.


Therefore, despite the bad reputation of fan heaters, it is actually cost saving if you consider that you can use the other sources of heating less or delay turn on your central heating!

p/s: Invest just a little bit more to get a decent heater fan. We found out later that the cheapest product on the high street was a disappointment. 

Winter heating - storage heaters are not that economical at all!

Storage heaters are false economical solutions - I think.

Although they use the "off peak" night time electricity to charge up (at about half the day time rate), it is still seven hours of electricity consumption per day. To make things worse, they make the room too warm in the early morning - when they are warm enough and start discharging the heat, but the room would not be warm enough in the evenings. As these oldies do not come with a timer, trying to adjust them means really poor quality of sleep for us. Imagine how well you can sleep if at the back of your mind, there is a little voice which says "wake up to turn off heater, otherwise the bills will give you a heart attack".

I just went to check my model and realised that it consumes 2.5kW. Since it is auto on for 7 hours, I use 17.5kWh per day or 17.5 units per day! I checked my unit price and multiplied that by 17.5 for the cost of 1 heater per day.


At 17.5*30*unit price = the price per heater per month. 
That just happens to be equivalent to 2 weeks of groceries money for me and hubby! 


I have two such units, one for the bedroom and one for the living. That is great isn't it. Turn on the both of them and we can succeed in our dieting goal. And ohh, did I mention that I have two smaller heaters for the bathroom and the hall? They just consume a measly 0.9kW each. 0.9*2*30*unit price = £15 - almost what i spend on fuel for my tiny car to get me to the supermarket per month.  I almost forgot about that boiler which takes care of my hot water supply!


Having worked those out yesterday afternoon, I went to the nearest electrical shop and bought a cheap heater fan.. I think that wonderful heater fan which cost me about £3-5 per month to run deserves its own post!

Signs that you are not keeping warm enough?

When winter comes, keeping warm is a decision - do you want to spend that money to keep warm?

Like many people, we try not to turn on the heating until November.  Turning on the heating "on demand" would result in sky high bills. I have been putting on layers since the beginning of October, and going to bed early, before I really feel the chill.

Perhaps that is a bad idea. I am now beginning to recognise the symptoms of not keeping warm enough. These are so similar to my fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritris symptoms, that to be honest, it is difficult to distinguish.

These are the signs that I have not been keeping warm enough, I think:

• Stiff shoulders - stiff neck. 
• Headache related to the stiff shoulders and neck
• Upper back (shoulder areas) cold to touch
• Generalised stiffness, especially in the mornings. My elbow frequently gets out of my duvet when I sleep and that is the joint that takes the brunt of the cold.
• Generalised tiredness from all those stiffness
• Symptoms not improved by the usual medications/massage that help with stiffness

Keeping the whole room warm is really too expensive for us. I suspect that the "economical" storage heaters that we have in our old, rented flats that not that economical after all. Perhaps I should find a cheaper way to keep warm...

Autumn...

It is that time of the year again. The colours begin to change, and Mother Earth is preparing itself for a long good rest.And it is also the time for me to ask that question again " How do I manage my arthritis in the winter?" "How do I prevent my fibromyalgia from worsening in the winter"?

I have a strange love for winter. I love its quietness, I love the opportunity for a rest. No one bothers you about whether you are going on a holiday or "what do you do this weekend?". I dread those questions, to be honest, especially whenever I was dead tired. Do I tell them, " I sleep through the weekend. I had no energy for anything"?

But autumns bring those cool chilly mornings - a reminder that it is going to get colder in the following months and where the stiffness of my joints become more apparent in the mornings. It is a struggle to go to work some days.

These are the days that I need to prepare myself.  How do I keep warm? How do I keep well?

I am so glad that I have been keeping this blog. As I seldom post, I have been tempted many times to delete it. However,  I found my old posts so useful to check out which strategies worked for me, and I am glad that these are now becoming tips that I share with my friends - "how do you take care of your arthritis in the winter"?

Sibutramine-maybe it is good to stay away if you have fibro

This is purely my personal experience - not a medical advice

I found some sibutramine capsules while cleaning up. They are still good, unexpired and I have been working hard to lose weight. So, I thought why not restart these weight loss pills.

The effects were obvious - I felt less hungry. However, the suspected side-effect which prompted me to stop it more than a year ago was prominent. 

I stopped it because I suspected sibutramine made my fibromyalgia and arthritis worse. It SEEMed to interfere with my ability to fall asleep at night. This was dismissedby doctor as probably psychological - I knew I had sibutramine, and therefore I had problems sleeping well. 

However, last night was so obvious. I was so physically and mentally tired, that i thought i would fall asleep before counting to ten. Nope. I stayed awake until 4am for no good reasons. I only realised the following morning that it was the third day I took sibutramine. 

This was consistent with my previous experience with this weight loss pill. One day is fine. Two days makes me less easy to fall asleep. Three days kept me awake!!! Today, I had a flare!

Is it just a coincidence - again? I think I have to say no thanks to this really effective weight loss pills. They are no good for me

Calm and happy = happy joints!

There is no mistake in the title.

I am just reinforcing the message -- to myself. It is funny when I would advise others about staying calm and happy , when my own life had been filled with some sort of heaviness. I have not really smiled or laughed for more than 3 weeks, apart from the time I spent in the at work. Funny, isn't it? Work is heavy but at least, I have some really funny colleagues to laugh with me and make things bearable.

At home, I have nothing to smile about and nothing to laugh about. Needless to say, this sort of emotion is a type of stress, and I begin to ache seriously all over the place since two days ago. My joints are getting swollen and I feel so tired all the time. I better watch some comedies tonight.

Top tips for a good night's sleep

I watched a programme about ten tips to sleep well, and I thought it is a good one to note down. Many of these are stuff we already know, but it is still a useful checklist.

1. Take a warm bath 1 hour before bed time. The key thing is the warm bath increase you core body temperature. When they body temperature drops back to normal, you relax and feel drowsy!
2. Try squeezing and relaxing of muscle groups, starting from the feet, and pay attention to the buttocks! (This works!)
3. If you cant sleep well, get out of the room, Only limit a certain number of hours in the room for sleeping. (This works, I know. )
4. For snorers/partners who snore, some OTC remedies may work!
5. Blue light from natural day light is responsible for reduction of melatonin which promotes restful sleep. So, get a good curtain for summer, and a blue light for winter!
6. If travelling across time zones, fast on the plane. When landing, take the food according to local time. Ie,if you land in the morning, have breakfast. The fasting will apparently help the "food clock" to take over
7. No coffee or tea at least 4 hours before bed time
8. Lavender smell/tea and valerian tincture helps! 
9. If you cant get enough of sleep, but can nap, the most efficient time to nap is between 2-5 pm, for half and hour. (This works too! Have been doing this all the time while i was a student)
10. Food - carbohydrates send you to sleep. Carbohydrates encourage the uptake of tryptophan into the brain, which then turn into serotonin. It is the serotonin which makes you sleepy(and happy!) Protein does the opposite. So,protein for lunch and carbo for dinner! (Protein keeps you alert! My pharmacology lecturer gave us the tip of consuming a light protein meal before exams!)

Swine flu is not a problem, until it istoo late.

Reading the swine flu reports and the publics comments makes me wonder, are people not worried? It is now phase 5!

There are some brave people wondering what is the panic about - so many people die of flu every year, anyway. Yeah. You might think differently if you healthy 25 year old son die from it. You may feel different once you see healthy healthcare professionals die from it.

Then there are some "intelligent" people out there who are pretty smug, as they live in developed countries. A few days ago, the went along the line that only Mexicans in Mexico die from swine flu, probably implying that Mexico is less capable of dealing with the flu cases? Then when the toddler dies in Texas, there was a few hours of quietness, before they discovered this child was a Mexican. Then they happily hum along the line that it is still only Mexicans that died of swine flu. Good grief. Have these people not thought of something called proprotions? Not everyone will die of the flu. If it is, then it is not so infectious! Some will recover and a portion will die. So far, the scary part is those who die are young healthy adults, as in SARS. We have not seen deaths in other countries because there are not many people who are infected yet. And so far, those people who were infected still have traceble, obvious risk factor - travel to Mexico, or direct contact to one of the few people who are confirmed cases. As the virus spread within a community, it will be less obvious who are the ones with just a flu and who is having swine flu. That makes detection a lot more challenging, and the spread much more likely.

And the best reassurance comes from people who noted that some people with swine flu just experience the symptoms of a typical flu. Good news? Yes and No. Yes because it means many people may be infected but will recover fully. No, because you will have these people walking around and infecting others who may have a more severe course of illness.

Perhaps it is just human nature. It is so easy to dismiss a problem when it does not happen to you. If you cannot see it or experience it yet, you cannot see how it can be a problem. It is when people experience it themselves, they feel the pain. Hmm sounds familiar. Isnt that a typical response to fatigue CFS sufferers have to endure? How many people will tell you that for goodness sake, everyone is tired. Pain of RA? I had friends competing with me about their level of pain when they sprained an ankle, or had injuries.

Is emphathy such a difficult skill to learn? I hope people see the swine flu outbreak seriously enough. Frankly, if this become a world wide pandemic, make sure that countries like US and UK who had been so "positive" and calm gets their deserved places in history.

Falling behind.. the quiet resentment

Being off sick is an unfortunate excuse to check out facebook and catch up with friends a little on msn while having my lunch.

It is both fun, and also depressing. Without catching up with school friends, I am perfectly happy in my own world, proud of my small progress from being in bed most of the time to working slowly back to a full time job, and fit enough for my 10km walks.

However, all these little proud moments about how far I have come evaporates whenever I catch up with friends. It is inevitable that they would update me about where they are and what they are doing, telling about their kids and their job. Then, they would ask me where I am, what I do and how many children I have.

The answers are not fun to give, especially when I see how far they have moved on. Sometimes, my answers produced some awkward moments. I have a humble position, while others are in senior positions. I have no kids, and no properties.

I constantly worry about my health, and the fragility of my finances. I have a condition which may worsen at any time, and yet i dont have any decent amount of savings. It is a threat of having nothing to fall back on, if my condition ever worsen again. The threat of being a burden to my family. As much as I wish to have a child, there is the reality that if I have a child now and fall sick again, it will be a major issue. There will be no money to maintain the day to day living expenses, let alone getting help with childcare. I wont want to have any children, unless I am financially able to support them, and not depend on them. I had to support my family since a very young age, spending all my holidays earning, earning and earning for them. Until now, the moment I have a little bit of extra, it goes to them. They have a constant need for more money.

I am lying to myself if I say I have never resented this. The truth is I resent it. I resent that I am not capable of earning more, so that there is something left for myself. I resent that my parents always think that I can magically produce some money.

I resent that my husband take such a laid back attitude about work. I resent it whenever he spends hours watching television or surfing the internet, and not doing something more worthwhile, something that could translate to better jobs opportunities and financial security for us. I totally resent it when I try so hard, despite being so tired all the time, while he sits back and be contented with his lot. He does not have the initiative nor the drive to be successful. I wonder where that has gone. In fact, the moment my health gets better and I could start earning again, he becomes even more laid back. I totally resent it, and I resent it even more because I know he is in a better position to resent my situation. I am a burden to him.

These resentments, although I have never mouthed it or said it to anyone, is deafeningly loud. I resent my lot in life. I always thought good people will come to good end. People who work hard will get to have a better life. And yet, I worked damn hard all my life. What do I have in return? Sometimes, I just wish to hide in a cave and never come out again. It is do depressing.

down with flu

feel like rubbish. Aching all over. Thankfully, RA did not FLARE up

my sister calls it "swine flu".. ie I am the swine. Not funny.