Friday, April 07, 2006

The four seasons of my life

It is not sunny, breezy warm day, every single day. There is the much anticipated spring, the warm and sunny summer, the retiring autumn and the chilly, sleepy winter.

If I see my life as having four seasons, then I can be confident, as confident as Maria when she sings “I have confidence that spring will come again!”. I will no longer dread the “winters” so much anymore, no matter how long or chilly they are.

My mum, although not very educated, read very little and never stepped out of her country of birth, have this surprising believe that if you live in a country with four seasons, you will be more creative. Temperate countries produce more creative thinkers, writers and artists. She thinks that people will be affected by the change of season, the scenery, the temperature and conditions, and be inspired to think more diversely and creatively as a results.

So, should I rejoice that I have “four seasons” in me?

Maybe it is somewhat true, when I am confined to my room. This room has a view of the sky (my previous room has no view of the sky, I could only see my neighbours) and the birds flying across the sky. Words, new thoughts, everything… they just flood in. like a dam that has been breached.

It is when I am not supposed to write, to use the computer so much (It hurts!!!!) that these words and thoughts will flood in. Most of the time, I would let them drift about in my mind, like the mist in a foggy day while I lie in bed, drifting between consciousness and the relief offered by sleep.

Of course, I do feel that these are wasted, since it is not captured. I can’t recall all that I thought of when I am well again. At best, I have just a very faint idea of what I had thought, like I imagined I might be famous one day, if all these creative juices are put up in my blog and get spotted by some publisher last night. This morning, I remember seeing my own reflection in the hand-held mirror and was shocked about how ugly I looked. I wondered if my husband regrets marrying me. The girl whom he had known and fell in love with was pretty, witty and intelligent. He had fought off at least three or four suitors to win her heart. But now… Ahh.. the “rain” is here…

I managed to chase the “rain” away, thanks to the internal “sunshine” that I am born with.

I have drifted away from what I want to write. Now I must come back.

Back to the seasons. I know that in a few days, (or a few weeks) I will be better again. Fibromyalgia is not progressive. So, “Spring” will come again.

Out of a sudden, a strong wind appears from nowhere, and brought a fresh splash of rain. The rain was heavy but short. Thanks again to internal sunshine. (I hope that it never runs out)

Through the rain, I see how people with fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis and all these recurring and relapsing diseases could be “associated” with depression. (Nothing new, I understood already). I saw a limping man walking pass. And suddenly, I strongly understand why these people receiving social security or “benefits” and behave so “shameslessly”, so demanding. As if they deserve, it is their right to receive money and all the charity of good hearted people. Many of them don’t even thank others who help them, as if the world owed it to them.

I understand now. I strongly understand now. They are no aliens, weirdos or ungrateful scums. Just like you and me, they have pride, they have a sense of self-pride. I am sure most of them would like to be self reliant, have a job, and hold responsibilities like everyone else. But when fate decides other way (no, I am not finding excuse for myself), when you find yourself, no longer able, like everyone else, work, be dependable, be reliable and contributing to something (other than statistics of jobless or sick people), the sense of uselessness in just so crushing, and humiliating. It would crush even the most confident, self reliant people on earth.

Now at this stage of my thesis, I would really want to apply for a job, but I hesitate. One, I don’t know how to ask my supervisor and thesis committee to be my referees, to vouch for me, when I am always falling behind in my work. I don’t think they will support me applying at this stage, considering the rate I work. Secondly, I don’t think they can support my application without lying. The big fat fact is I am unreliable. I am forgetful. I can’t cope with the stress which the positions requiring my qualifications or experience would require. Thirdly, I also can’t simply apply for a position that is way too much lower. People will definitely be very suspicious. Will you still hire me? If I tell you that I may need a few days off with just a day’s notice? What kind of job would allow me to come and go, as and when “I like”, and allows me to take days off? Forth? The most negative thought is if I hold a job, and get fired because of my health, will I ever find the confidence to stand up again? Will I still believe that spring would come again?

Accepting your lot, (if you believe) as allocated by fate is not going to be easy, when you have worked so hard all your life. Even though I come from a family where I have always been taught to accept what Fate has arranged, I find it difficult. In fact, “very difficult” would have been an understatement.

I am not sure what kind of other things will convert people from my stage, trying hard to figure out how to fit in and be self reliant, to thinking that is a “right” to receive and receive. Anyway, I can’t think, or type anymore. I am getting foggy (again) and my hands hurt…

Time to accept that this is “winter”, and time to “rejuvenate”!

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