Sunday, January 07, 2007

pressure is on

The pressure is on, and escalating- Both at home and at work.

Since before Christmas, I had bits of swellings from my RA here and there. I canceled meeting friends on the 23rd to rest at home. Cut down my my social stuff, and delayed putting in the form for my volunteer work. I am watching, resting, and hope that it will go away soon.

The mornings have been bad.

BAD. Do you know what it means in a winter morning if your joints swell? Your first steps on the day would be a bite-your-lips and grimace experience. In fact, I usually wake up at least 45minutes earlier, turn up the heating (which thankfully, is right beside my bed), and slowly "roast", gently moving myself, changing positions, stretching gently, until I feel my joints are ready to do their work-supporting me when I stand up, and also allowing me to turn on the tap and wash my face, brush my teeth. I depend on my husband to make me a cup of coffee, as my hands are unreliable in the mornings.

Despite waking earlier, I still arrive at work late. Sometimes I leave late because I could not really "move" yet. Sometimes because it is too cold, that I hoped an extra 10 minutes of sun would have made the walk more bearable. And always, it means I walk more slowly than usual, turning a 30 minute walk into 45 minutes. Sometimes, I am just too tired to get up, honestly. Too tired, despite all the sleep. And more tired, at the though of walking in the cold.

So, for more than 2 weeks I have been turning up to work late, and avoiding housework.
On the first work day this year, I called to report I had a bad thumb-right thumb. My tenosynovitis; a nerve must have been hit, again. My best treatment is ---REST, gently massaging it and slapping on lots of NSAID gels. Experience allows me to hazard a guess, whether I should risk it-continue working as per normal, or rest it till until the swelling and weakness goes down. I decided to rest it.

That is a decision which is getting me into trouble with my boss, thanks to a co-worker.
In life, you meet nice understanding people, and then you meet those people who say things like...

"there is something called the 24 hour virus, usually caused by hangover, or going for a job interview...."

"people take take sick leave when they are not happy with their job, and because they can"



There is one such person at work-the boss' favourite chap. Ouch. Yeah, ouch. I know that he has been back-stabbing me for coming in late. Two off days in 2 weeks. I am replacing these "off days" on the days which i am not supposed to come in, that means I am not taking sick leave at all!!! However, a meeting was postponed because of me, and someone happily took the chance about inconvenience and loss of productivity caused.

I need not go to describe what are the subsequent things that followed.... I know my job is at stake.

For someone unreliable like me, things like coming in late and taking sick leave is easily used by colleagues as a weapon in office politics. I am just having a part time job now, and yet, I cant escape the politics! Blame it on my inability to drink with my boss, or join them for a steak. Join them, and it is "I thought you cant take this---therefore you are faking?" Dont join them, and you are immediately vulnerable to the attacks from those idiots.


How can I blame others, when this morning my own hubby complained about me being lazy, and telling me it is my turn to do breakfast? He is sick of his own cooking, and asked when I could start cooking again. He is trained as a MCP by his mum, and I know too well the effect of a long telephone conversation with his mum had on him. It always results in him complaining he had helped me a lot with the housework, like he cooked the dinner for me (when he is eating it too!), he helped me washed the dishes, he did this for me, did that for me. He does not realise that, and I did not have the heart to say it to him. I know his mum is everything to him, and would not want to do anything to make life difficult for him.

I usually do most of the housework. Did he not realise that my hands have been swollen? I am tired? Well, he is tired of me being sick and tired. My hands almost have a permanent mild swelling in the past 2 weeks, and he is so used to seeing it-it no longer hurted him like before. I almost broke down and cried in the kitchen, when I struggled to fill the kettle. My own husband.
In case you ask me how could I type so much when my hands are in pain, let me tell you....this entry, took many hours, and lots of physical pain-in exchange for a chance to vent off. Yes, it is all in the brains-FMS or even my RA. It is all in my brains, because I need to struggle with these sort of things, anytime. And shut up if you tell me you dont feel like getting up in the morning too. Unless you have RA or fibromyalgia, you would never understand how tiring it could be. It is a long constant battle on many fronts. Tiring. Tiring for me, and tiring for my family too. In case you think it is easy for my hubby, it is not. I think he realised that he cant even show that he is tired, like what he did this morning. When he does that, that saps last bit of energy from me.

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