Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Returning to work after fibromyalgia-is it time yet?

I feel so compelled to go back to work now.

No, my body is not ready for it, I know. However, the urgency to return to work seems to grow each day, like a bell in my head which grows bigger and louder each date. I try to keep it silent, but every now and then something would hit it, and there I go again,

The latest trigger of this bell is the state of my siblings.

I feel indirectly responsible for their fear to work, to find a job.

Prior to my fall, I was the poster girl of hard work in my family. I work hard, I never give up, I was determined and can be very persistent. Those were the years my siblings had been inspired by me.

“Why do people ever need a life coach, and job coach etc?” I had asked. At this state, when I am failing, and seeing that people who had me as a role model going down as well, I realise in life, we do need a life coach!

Most of us had one somewhere in our life. Nudging us, inspiring us or even pushing us to a certain direction. There is someone, near or distant, whose success story and philosophy we subconsciously hope to replicate and outdo. That person is our “light”. Many people are lucky, with plenty of examples around them – father, mother, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, cousins, older friends.

I have been that light to my siblings. In me, they saw and example, or maybe a target to overtake. Now that I failed, the effect is terrible.

They are not sure what has happened to me. The workaholic suddenly sat at home, slept and slept and slept. My words have been unreliable. One moment was it was just going to be a 3 month break to work on my thesis. And then the 3 months went to on 6 months and now more than a year has passed.

Both of them seemed so lost, and there is no one at home, no one near who understands their situation and could motivate them. People would not understand the contradictions in our lives.

Fibromyalgia not only takes us, the so called “fibromites” down. Look around, look harder and you will realise that many of us had been the pillar of strength in our families. Although it is common that life had been stressful to us, we had managed to cope well, exceptionally well until fibro or CFS strike. To dismiss these conditions as psychosomatic and trying to dose us with anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications is a crime!!!

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