Thursday, May 25, 2006

The river is even wider..... Life is a pile of Sh** now

Life has been hard these two days.

No, not that I had a big flare. I am just a little bit low in energy- relatively well.

Just that i am in an uphill battle with my fogs, and also my relationship.

Years of chronic illness had put a big strain, and put a big drift between us. Can't help but feel that we are drifting apart, and I feel it.

It it my weight gain? Is it my PCOS? In a way, I am "turning into a man", as he jokes. I am not an obese woman with bad skin, and bad breath (dry mouth- either due to Sjogren's or those drugs). I am not even thirty, and yet I have not been having any normal menses. Technically, I can be considered as having a menopause. He is now no longer worried that I have to walk home alone at night, as i am considered "safe". He is no longer worried about my safety as he did, when he felt that people would look at me when I walk down the street.

It is an irony isn't it? I did not have a problem getting lost last time! And yet, just yesterday, I spent an entire hour getting lost, and missing my appointment.

The fire has died out. All is left is his effort to remain loyal and do his "duty". How long could this last? Last night we had a "fight". And the sign of me letting go? I did not bother to argue. I wanted to, but I did not have the energy for it. Instead, I treid to sleep. When that failed, I plucked all my energy to get out of bed, and did some work on my thesis, only to find a lot of spelling mistakes and errors everywhere in the papers. How did I get the errors there? I had not a clue. Should I laugh? Should I cry?

At the end, I chosed sleep. I had no energy to laugh or to cry...

When life gets to this stage, is it enlightenment? Or is it depression?

Life had been sh**

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